true.
so since i haven't writen in a while, i don't know where to start.

my sister got a puppy (called zatta) and she bites. i miss going to my sisters appartment, and also my friends appartment. i wish everyone lived in an appartment, and houses were only for the sick and elderly. im so city hungry... i don't know why. i like being surrounded and not having to interact. ignored, i like being ignored.

it's 3:56 AM

i'm not sleeping and i'm not sure why... i don't feel tired. i should feel tired. thursday/friday and friday night was rough. i woke up and didn't know where i was or what day it was, that's happened twice so far (this weekend).
there's a giant cat spider in my backyard, i feed it.

i named it dog.

oh, i found out a lot of things about the best friend i thought i knew everything about.
really fascinating but very sad/frustrating like... sick-to-your-stomach kind of tragic (if there are types of tragic). i probably shouldn't say, but it's really amazing that she's not totally fucked up.

speaking of fucked up, i've been eating. i weighed myself like.. i don't know when it was but it wasn't too long ago, and i haven't gained anything so that's good i guess... but i had soooo many ice cream sandwitches the other day, ridiculous amounts.
i'm too weak, i'm annoying myself.

i'm gonna go sleep now maybe, i hope i have a dream about balloons again.

i almost just ate rice. i had the water boiling and everything, but then i sat down on the floor and i looked at myself in the reflection on the stove.
looked at all my flaws. 5 day fast was definitely hard to jump in to.

i dont even feel like i've lost any weight.

my mom has noticed though, she took me to the store and told me to pick out some food for breakfast and such. i told her i didn't know what i wanted and that it was just a waste of time. then she asked me if i had been drinking water today (which was a weird question). then she said to make sure i eat before i go to sleep.

it was so hard avoiding food too, since today was my first day of school. i went home with my friend (which i will be doing every day until i get a car)
and she always tries to get me to eat. especially her mom, she always has something cooking. she ate a sandwich and offered me one but i said no, and i told myself i was gonna go home and make my own sandwich. but i never did.
i'm so close to giving up right now.

today was a () day. i don't know why i'm so numb lately. but i cried today, and it wasnt because i was sad. i basically confronted my dad that he isn't a father figure to me. he's just some person. like someone walking down the street that smiles to be polite. his response to me was "well i'm not a family man". i was so fucking frustrated. i said,
" and that doesn't bother you like it bothers me?"

it's like, everything he does is for himself. and i can see myself turning out to be just like him.

anyways, i don't wanna think about it anymore.
so on to the good things... i like my intro to film class...ap painting's going to be difficult...my polaroid camera is here...i'm going shopping this weekend... i'm changing jobs...

i was at my sisters house again last night/this morning. i just got home actually.
she drank too much so her boyfriend had to take me home. i felt really bad, but i have to work at 9/10ish and i didnt have clothes. i weighed myself again and i lost 4lbs. i really have no idea how it happened haha. 5 day fast starts too, i'm anxious. i really really really wanna go through with it.

ugh, it sucks though because i just started my period. nothing's worse than hunger pains plus cramps. and those hoodia pills dont work for me... but i think i'm gonna take them anyways.

why is it that i always write at 3am?

i'm gonna go photoshop some pictures so that i can cut them out for stencils tomorrow.

OH ONE MORE THING. my cousin's house got broken into and wow, i'll give the story tomorrow.. or sometime.

peace

i won the polaroid camera for 13$. the funny thing is, is that when i bid i'd only go up a few cents and everyone else went up a few dollars each time. did i get played? hanigan < ebay ???

i dont really have anything to blablabla about, i'm pretty numb
i haven't slept in my own bed in 4 days (or a bed at all)

just dishing out facts is what i'm doing. dishing out facts

i have a real calf phobia (not cow)... and my calves ache. i'm going insane!!!!!!!! it's the worst feeling, i can't explain. my legs always have to be crossed so that my calves aren't exposed in any way. even with long pants on. \\\\\\only eating fruit tomorrow///////


so i'm gonna go pass out on this couch.

-f

i can't sleep so i thought i'd stare at the computer screen for a few more minutes.
look, i posted that last entry at 11:11. whatever that means.

i'm not looking forward to working 6 hours tomorrow. my eyes feel like they're bleeding.
i stole some hoodia pills from my parents, i'm not sure if theyre supposed to give you energy so i haven't taken any. i'm really hungry though. oh i just remembered, after work tomorrow i'm supposed to be at my grandparents house for dinner. i guess my cousin is coming. but since i work till 6, everyone will be eating by the time i get there, so it wont be as hard to skip out.

well if i fall asleep now, i can get 6 hours!!!

so goodnight, i hope


-f

i had to work today. i have to work every weekend... it's all they schedule me. no complaints though, i need money. but the mall is so nausiating.

crying babies
bright lights
obnoxious atmosphere
uppity bitches
pedos
prepubescent teens with no money who only come to walk around, seeking attention
oh and the mom's that breast feed on the benches

i just sit there all day saying "kiss my ass".


anyways, on to more serious matters. i was at my sisters house yesterday and i weighed myself for the first time in years... (i can't find our scale). it was alot less than i expected but still disguisting. i weigh 120 with a bmi of 20.6. but it will change. it's easy to fast during school because i'm busy with painting, and all those other "important" classes.

i'm bidding on a polaroid camera, i really hope i win.



i love jonathan glazer


-f

was watching buffalo '66 at 5AM this morning.  "is he wearing red boots?" usually people would say something like that if they were sure that he was wearing red boots, but i'm honestly not sure.. i guess that makes it a bad question to ask, because there's a good chance that i'm wrong. actually it makes it a good question. because knowing that he is wearing red boots and asking if he's wearing red boots makes it a rhetorical question.  I'M LEARING SOMETHING > YOURE NOT.
 i watch for his boots, and sure enough they were red.  it was like seeing a cute little puppy in a pile of trash.  vincent gallo's red boots were the best part of the movie.

music is confusing.  i'm not sure if people hear it the same way i do. i wish they did. i'm sure someone does.
it's like certain people are attracted to certain sounds or feelings that a song can provoke. my perfect friend would hear music the way i do.
sometimes i want  go into someone's skin and be them for a day, listen to their music etc.. so i can understand why they like a certain song.
but would i get the same feeling as i get when i listen to things i like? are we all attracted to the same feeling and find it in different types of music?  or is it a specific, different  feeling for each person?

i will be friends with the biggest assholes, as long as they understand why i like my music.

i like my parakeets because they like my music.

anyways, my neices birthday was yesterday, and her party is today..
so i have to run to the mall and pick up my check
THEN run downtown to gateway mall and buy a lomo fisheye No2

-f

so i'm completely new to livejournal.  i've always browsed the um.. forums (?) and everyone seems very real. i mainly joined for the pro-ana group. anyways...

school starts soon, i'm not sure how  soon ... i don't really care to know how soon either. it's my junior year in highschool and my mom had origionally made a deal with me that if i graduate with C's and higher she would buy me a dog.  but today i let my emotions spill and  started begging for a nose job.  i mentioned that i would rather have plastic surgery than a dog.   and she said.. "well, you know our deal".

i was super surprised that she would actually onsider it. i kept having to reassure myself, so i was probably bothering her with tons of questions about it.   like if she can even afford it.  she says she could.  so now i'm excited, and i want the last two years of highschool to be over with.
I WANT MY FUCKING NOSE JOB!!!!

i don't think i'd ever get lipo though, i just don't like the idea of all that plunging (haha).  i'll stick with abusing laxatives and fasting.  all i've been thinking about this summer is fasting, i have yet to succeed though.  i can't even go one day... i'm pathetic. it's just  so hard in the summer when youre around food all the time.   it's especially hard because i have no one that will support me with my fast.  my best friend is totally against the idea.   she has the strongest willpower, i look up to her so much.. she's very healthy too, so i dont want to convince her to corrupt herself .     i'm so frustrated at myself, i dont know how anyone online could help me.

this sounds so cheesy but it really feels like it's me against myself.  i'll talk myself into fasting one minute and the next i'll be binging.  of course when i binge i tell myself i'll take laxatives and drink prune juice and then  fast.  i think every ana girl can relate to me. i hope.   (this is how pathetic i am,  i have been wanting to be very thin since the 8th grade and now i'm in grade 11--- last time i weighed myself was 2 years ago).   i'm not overweight, or fat at all.  i'm not super thin either and this is a problem.

anyways.  i think i might sleep now .